Math Problems for Moms
Excerpts from Chief Justice John Roberts’ High School English Essays
Butch Cards
The Sixteen Steps to Owning an Eight-and-a-Half-Inch Skirt
You Know I’m a Good Driver Because I Ace the Tests the DMV Keeps Making Me Take
“President Trump has claimed he ‘aced’ all three cognitive tests administered to him during his first and second presidencies. The commander-in-chief further claimed that no president has ever taken part in a similar exercise when he spoke on his mental acuity at the White House Monday.” — The Independent
Lines, Ranked
1. Conga. It literally cannot get better than this.
2. Assembly. It’s not glamorous, but hot damn is it effective.
3. Waist. Awooooga!
4. Jaw. Hubba Hubba!
5. Hair. Yowie!
6. Blood. Define your legacy.
7. On. How you’re reading this, probably.
8. Shore. She sells seashells here.
9. Under.
You Can Complete Our Online Degree Program in the Time It Would Take You to Read This Article
“More than 1 in 4 [students at University of Maine at Presque Isle’s online MyPace program] finished their entire degree course load in a single eight-week session, half the length of a traditional academic semester.” — The Washington Post
- – -Thanks to the hassle of reading, writing, doing…
An Excerpt from Elizabeth Preston’s The Creatures’ Guide to Caring
With warmth, humor, and occasional run-ins with bodily fluids, science journalist (and frequent McSweeney’s contributor) Elizabeth Preston leads a highly accessible tour of cutting-edge research into how and why other animals and humans care for their young. She discovers that humans evolved to raise our kids…
A Kindergarten Teacher Attempts to Explain Cryptocurrency, and Accidentally Creates a New Financial System
At 9:03 a.m., Ms. Delgado makes the mistake of asking the class what their parents do for work.
“Dentist,” says Maya.
“Firefighter,” says Liam.
“Bus driver,” says Emma.
Oliver raises his hand. “My dad mines crypto.”
Ms. Delgado nods politely, the way adults do when they encounter a sentence they…