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Meditations on Hell - McSweeney’s

2025-04-04T17:30:00.000Z

“I’m coming to Boston, I’m bringing hell with me.” —Tom Homan, “border czar” and former acting director of ICE

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Hell is not a lake of fire, nor is it composed of the circles Dante envisioned, like an infant’s stacking toy.

It’s not “The Bad Place” of sitcom fame, though it’s easy to imagine some in the current administration taking notes on hot dog torture and butthole spiders.

It’s not the Hellmouth, nor is it one of the dark parallel universes in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, as much as some of us want to believe we’ve shifted into an alternate reality.

Hell is as foundational as smallpox blankets and pedophile priests, as petty as a MAGA-festooned pickup that “rolls coal” on a passing Prius.

Hell is waking up one morning and feeling like your rights were stripped away overnight, only to realize it’s been happening gradually over your lifetime—and for much of that time, all you did to try to stop it was vote.

Hell is realizing that most of the people you voted for, even those you really admired, were not built for a crisis like this and are not coming to save you.

Hell is the hot pink WOMEN FOR TRUMP flag that appeared on a neighbor’s house five months ago, but it’s also the amount of time you spend fantasizing about ways you could deface it.

Hell has come for the scientists who stand helpless as the NIH and the CDC are dismantled, and hell has also come for anyone in need of a medical breakthrough. Hell is rushing to catch up on vaccinations for fear they will be eliminated in these new Dark Ages. Hell is a future where our broken medical system will seem like paradise compared to what awaits us.

Hell is realizing you are no longer that afraid of spiders, because there is so much more to fear.

Hell is for everyone as the wealthiest man in the world dismantles Social Security. Hell is simultaneously watching your 401(k) tank and realizing that you will have to work until you drop—or until AI replaces you.

Hell is wondering if you should try to leave the country, and realizing that nowhere will be safe in this new world order. Hell is understanding that, for all your fancy words and ideas, you are really just an animal caught in a trap.

Hell is loathing guns and wondering if you should learn how to shoot one.

Hell is understanding that they’re coming for women’s right to vote, and hell is also trying to figure out how to deal with the women you know who voted for this.

Hell is a new season of The Handmaid’s Tale dropping at this moment in time.

Hell has come for trans people who just wanted to live their best lives, but it will soon be here for everyone, including the cis women who bought the lie that trans folks were their greatest threats.

Hell is watching cat videos on YouTube for an hour after hearing the day’s grim news, just to bring your anxiety down. Hell is watching old videos of the Cure and wondering if you should have been running for office instead of dancing at Goth clubs.

Hell is here, in Boston, in the way a woman’s voice goes unnaturally high as she strangles a shriek when surrounded by six masked people in plainclothes who claim to be police. Hell inhabits the place in your heart where you feel her fear.

Hell is a virus infecting those just following orders, too ashamed or afraid to show their faces.

Hell is in the dystopian choreography that moves the six masked people in a circle around the woman, before they force her into an unmarked car. Hell is that circle.

Perhaps, after all, Dante wasn’t so far off.

We Will No Longer Waste Taxpayer Money on Anything, Since Nothing Is Real - McSweeney’s

2025-03-31T23:30:00.000Z

“The COVID-19 pandemic is over, and H.H.S. will no longer waste billions of taxpayer dollars responding to a nonexistent pandemic that Americans moved on from years ago.” — Andrew Dixon, spokesperson for the Department of Health and Human Services.

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We in the federal government have recently unearthed a scandal of epic proportions: During the previous administration, trillions of taxpayer dollars were wasted on “programs” intended to “help” “people.” Effective immediately, this administration vows not to waste any taxpayer money on anything, because nothing is real.

Do you have any idea how much taxpayer money the government has been spending on “education”? Neither do I, but I know it’s not zero dollars. And here’s the thing: Education is free.

(To be clear, the school where my kids go is not free. That’s why we need vouchers to pay for it.)

Do you pay for things that are free? If your neighbor put a gently used credenza out on the curb with a sign on it that said FREE, would you take it and then knock on her door and give her $50 billion?

(To be clear, I would never take my neighbor’s free credenza. This actually happened, and I had the HOA fine her for a curb violation.)

It’s not just education that’s free; the act of educating itself is free. I’m educating you right now, and it costs me nothing. In fact, often when I’m educating people, they ask me to stop. That’s how low the value of education is: No one even wants mine.

Apparently, some of the taxpayer money being spent on education goes to student loans. But the purpose of student loans is banker profit. If the government spent money to make the terms of student loans less exploitative, poor people might succeed in improving their lives. Then who would bleach my baseboards?

Ultimately, student loans lead to people becoming educated, and then suddenly they’re your smartass nephew who calls you a racist even though you have lots of Black friends, like your kids’ nanny.

“Health” is another big taxpayer money drain that’s not even real. Remember vaccines, research and development, tests, clinics? “Masks”?! All that money was wasted when the COVID-19 pandemic was nonexistent. Some might claim that hundreds of thousands of Americans died of COVID and that hundreds still die each week, but they’re just proving my point: No more taxpayer dollars should go to the deceased. This gravy train’s reached the end of the line, dead nanas.

And now public health officials want even more of your hard-earned money to prevent future pandemics. The next pandemic, by definition, does not exist. You can’t fool me: I know that funding disease prevention means wasting taxpayer money on diseases I don’t even have yet.

The US regularly ranks last among otherwise comparable nations in nearly all measures of health. Imagine going to the store to buy a shirt, paying for a shirt, and then going home without a shirt. Wouldn’t that be a waste of money? “Health” spending is clearly fraudulent, since we don’t have health.

(To be clear, I don’t buy my own shirts. My nanny does my shopping while my kids are at the equestrian lacrosse financial management club.)

The biggest inefficiency we’ve uncovered is this entire clunky system of “checks” and “balances.”

Why waste taxpayer dollars on a judiciary? When you have a judicial branch, you pay for judges, legal aides, lawyers, clerks, bailiffs, and courthouses—all for them to issue orders that will be disregarded anyway.

Plus, sometimes the courts are being used to defend people’s rights—the very thing we’re expressly trying to take away. If I want my nanny’s green card revoked because I heard her on the phone and even though I don’t speak Antillean Creole, I suspect she was talking to my nephew (who learned “French” at “college”) about how I’m a racist, why would we pay actual taxpayer dollars to ensure she has due process when that due process will be ignored anyway?

When nothing is real, using taxpayer money for anything is wasteful.

(To be clear, you’re still going to pay taxes. When I talk about saving money for the “taxpayer,” I’m only talking about a dozen or so taxpayers. Including me.)

We Are the People Who Buy Red Delicious Apples - McSweeney’s

2025-03-27T17:00:00.000Z

We walk among you, but you do not see us. We are your neighbors, but you do not know us. We work with you, but you do not respect us. We are the silent majority, the undervalued and underrepresented, the stoic and strong. We are the people who buy Red Delicious apples, and we are done living in the shadows.

We are the ghosts of the grocery store, the mythical spirits of the supermarket. You do not want to acknowledge that we exist, but we are real, and we have the power to dictate the apple economy. How else would you explain the presence of Red Delicious at every grocer across the nation, despite their disgusting flavor and penchant for bruising?

What you will never understand is that we like them that way. Their bruising is a reminder of the precious fragility of life. What, would you prefer to live in a world where apples don’t bruise? What a privileged, plasticized existence you must lead. Let me guess: You also despise potholes and shin splints.

Red Delicious reflect the truth that life is a struggle, a challenge worth overcoming. Because if you can make your way through an entire Red Delicious, you can accomplish anything.

Needless to say, we do not recognize your self-anointed status as apple authorities, with your preference for lascivious Pink Ladies, pompous Galas, utopian Honeycrisps, and globalist Fujis. We will always remain loyal to the traditional, homegrown distastefulness of the humble Red Delicious, with its flesh that manages to be both unappealingly sweet and aggressively bland.

Some have presumed that we who buy Red Delicious have no physical ability to discern texture, because how else could we tolerate its dense, bitter peel and styrofoamy flesh? To which we say, “Fair enough.”

They’re apples. They’re not supposed to “taste good” or “be edible.” They are meant to be vaguely healthy and represent a kind of old-timey, fruit-oriented moral superiority. Remember the halcyon days when kids would hand their teacher an apple before the morning bell? Always Red Delicious. And no, the teacher never ate it. But eating it was never the point. The point was the achingly nostalgic visual of a plump apple silently resting on the corner of a worn wooden desk—as God intended.

The Red Delicious looks like an apple should look—waxy and deep red—because that’s how they were bred to appear: straight out of central fruit casting. It’s a pleasant bonus when their flavor somewhat resembles the concept of what an apple might taste like.

We have heard you make fun of Red Delicious and declare that they should not exist, and that people who buy them must have no self-respect or flavor receptors. But your callous nature does not bother us, for we are thick-skinned. Not unlike our beloved apples.

Sure, they may not taste good, but at least Red Delicious are often obscenely large. It means our children are unable to eat an entire apple on their own, and we must swoop in to finish the last few slices, instilling in our kids a sense of pride in our appetites. Which you would never understand.

But today, we step out of the shadows. For we are the people who buy Red Delicious apples, and we will no longer hang our heads in sheepish shame and embarrassment. In case you’re wondering, we also buy lots of green peppers, and we are the reason most falafel are dry yet everyone just goes along with it like it’s nothing.

Excerpts from a Red-Hot Right-Wing Romance Novel - McSweeney’s

2025-03-26T23:30:00.000Z

“The moment I saw him charging the steps on January 6, I knew I wanted to rip off his Viking helmet and find out how quickly he could send my body into a constitutional crisis.”

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“He had a sharp, strong jawline from years of clenching it every time someone mentioned universal health care.”

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“I could tell he was the kind of hunk who wanted to undo my bra—and my rights.”

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“A spicy DM from his anti-woke meme account landed in my X inbox. I smirked as Grok replied, ‘Hot. Elon enjoyed reading that.’”

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“For our first date, he told me I could pick the spot—anywhere my heart desired, as long as it was a business that had dismantled its DEI policies.”

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“His masculine energy radiated, and my body tensed with delight—the exhilaration trickled all the way down, like tax cuts for the wealthy that would benefit me, a mid-tier MLM distributor.”

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“‘We shouldn’t tell anyone about this,’ he said, making our encounter even more romantic. I have always liked my men like I like the Bible: misinterpreted to my advantage.”

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“He tucked a strand of hair behind my bald-eagle earrings, then leaned in and whispered, ‘I’ll treat you better than this administration treats billionaires, baby.’”

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“With one touch, my body quivered. Like a thousand Fox News notifications all at once.”

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“‘It’s too soon to give in to our desires,’ I said. ‘I must resist you.’

“‘You’re treating me like a vaccine?’ he said, coughing.”

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“I couldn’t take it anymore. We finally made out in the middle of the banned-books rally. His lips were as soft as a Democrat’s comeback.”

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“The long, sensuous kiss made me blush; I could feel my cheeks burning as red as a state ranked lowest in education.”

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“We went back to my place, and he kissed me again with the passion of every aunt sharing an un-fact-checked Facebook post.”

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“He tore off his red hat and American flag shirt (made in Hong Kong), and tossed his four concealed handguns on my floor. His sex appeal was wildly disarming.”

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“I was overwhelmed with lust. I traced his bare edges with my eyes, dazzled and amazed at how his body was shaped like a Cybertruck.”

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“The friction between us was as hot as a looming trade war between the US and Canada.”

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“I moaned loudly, the way I do when I have to hear someone’s pronouns.”

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“Our carnal connection made me feel like I was floating weightlessly in the Gulf of America.”

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“Afterward, we held hands and looked into each other’s deep-blue patriotic eyes. ‘This feels so real,’ he said. ‘Unlike climate change.’”

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“The next morning, over Signal, he texted me how much fun he had the night before: . It was then I knew: the two of us—and the seven other guys in the group chat—would live happily ever after.”

Star Wars Quotes That I, a Federal Employee, Would Like to Say to Elon Musk - McSweeney’s

2025-03-26T17:30:00.000Z

“Let go of your hate.”

“The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.”

“Some day you’re gonna be wrong; I just hope I’m there to see it.”

“Why do I get the feeling you’re going to be the death of me?”

“You might wanna quit while you’re behind.”

“Laugh it up, fuzzball.”

“This threshold is mine. I claim it for my own. Bring on your thousands, one at a time or all in a rush. I don’t give a damn. None shall pass.”

“Be careful not to choke on your aspirations.”

“Why, you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder.”

“Great, kid, don’t get cocky.”

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you.”

“If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”

“I’m a big deal in the resistance.”

“How wude!”

“So this is how liberty dies… with thunderous applause.”

How to Cosplay as a Parent - McSweeney’s

2025-03-26T12:00:00.000Z

Go to a festival or fair. Stand in the longest line you can find. Buy something you don’t want.

Wake up at dawn on a Saturday morning. Make pancakes. Peel an orange. Fill two bottles of water. Sing the ABC’s twenty times. Do all of this before you have coffee. Bonus points if you do it before you pee.

Pick a random Nickelodeon show aimed at seven-year-olds. Make sure it sucks. Watch it repeatedly until you start to develop a Stockholm syndrome affection for it.

Sit down. Get back up. Sit down again. Get back up. Walk two miles around the kitchen. Go up and down the stairs three times. Sit down. Get back up. Repeat until you want to cry.

Get ready two hours early. Wait until it’s time to leave and then decide it is imperative to count every piece of silverware you have. Do not leave your house until you’re a half hour late.

Insist visitors arrive with a new rock or stick. Instruct them to place them in new and interesting places.

Go to a bar. Find an angry drunk. Attempt to convince them they need to calm down and go to bed. Do not react when they swing at you. Continue to be gentle but firm.

Wake up at 3 a.m. and change the sheets. Start a load of laundry. Rug Doctor the couch. Spend the next two hours holding a hot, damp, fifty-pound bag of rice while trying to sleep sitting up. Get up at your regular time and carry on with your day.

Toss an open bag of Goldfish and a yogurt tube into the back seat of your car. Add a bowling ball. Wait two weeks.

Invite a bunch of people from Nextdoor to meet you at a field. Sit in a camping chair for a few hours a few days a week from April to July or August to December. Or both. Make small talk and try not to look at your phone.

Every time your coworker returns from the bathroom, give them an M&M.

Give a teenager a hundred dollars and a pizza every time you need to attend an evening event.

Take a quarter to half of your paycheck and set it on fire. Do this approximately sixty months in a row—seventy-two months if you had the unfortunate luck to start in October.

Once a month, go out to a restaurant and order a six-dollar macaroni and cheese. Allow it to congeal on the table, untouched.

Vacuum your floors, and then immediately throw a handful of confetti to celebrate.

Carry a kayak a half mile in 90 percent humidity. Just because.

Insist on holding everyone’s trash.

Lie on the floor in the dark at 7:30 p.m. Set a timer for forty-five minutes. Try not to fall asleep. If you succeed, attempt to get off the floor in complete silence. If you make any sounds wrestling your old creaky body into an upright position, reset the timer.

Refuse to leave the house until the garbage truck leaves your street.

The Plan to Bomb the Middle East Finally Made It Out of the Group Chat - McSweeney’s

2025-03-25T17:02:00.000Z

“The encrypted chat app [Signal] beloved by Elon Musk and foreign dissidents has been embraced by federal government workers, DOGE and military planners.” — Washington Post, 3/25/2025

“Top Trump officials included The Atlantic editor in group chat about plans to bomb Yemen.” — CBS News, 3/24/2025

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Acknowledgements - McSweeney’s

2025-03-25T12:00:00.000Z

First and foremost, this book would not have been possible without my beautiful wife, Kate, whose decision to end our marriage gave me unlimited time to finish Neigh It Ain’t So: A Coffee-Table Book of Badly Irregular Horses.

Thanks also to my editor and Domino’s delivery guy, Freddy. How it worked was, I’d order a pizza, and when Freddy showed up, I’d jump out and show him a picture of a horse. If Freddy vomited, the horse went in the book.

And I couldn’t have done this without everyone at Random House, who, when I interrupted their shareholders meeting to pitch my idea for a coffee-table book filled with visually upsetting horses, had their security guards subdue me non-lethally.

I’d also like to thank my roofer. Let me explain. He’s kind of a jack-of-all-trades guy, so when he was fixing a leak one day, I climbed up the ladder to ask if he thought it would be possible to make a book that was four feet wide and three hundred pounds. “Probably,” he replied. “But why?” It was none of his business, but I was feeling generous, so I told him the truth: only big, strong coffee tables are worthy of my coffee-table book.

I never could have finished this book without Google—specifically, Google Images and the search terms “horse,” “eww,” “retch,” “gag,” “horse (very old),” and “sadder than an extremely sad funeral.”

Of course, like any author, I’m indebted to the great ones who came before me. I still remember the day I picked up Hemingway’s For Whom the Bell Tolls. As I gazed down at it, I immediately understood what a book was, and that I could make a better one.

Thanks also to church, where the man told me that I would always be forgiven no matter what, and I said, “Even for what appears on page forty-six?” and the man said, “Beg pardon?” and I said, “You’ll see.”

Who else? My parents, my friends, my first-grade teacher, Ms. Pierson—I stole money from them all to pay for the self-publishing costs of this book, and I intend to steal more to cover the inevitable legal battles with them.

To anyone I’ve forgotten, please accept my apologies. I could not have done this without you. After all, a book is more than just a collection of pages. In this case, it’s well over two hundred pages, each six feet high and four feet wide, each with a picture of a horse that is bad to look at, all sandwiched between a massive spine made of two-by-fours and sheet metal to make the whole thing weigh three hundred pounds. My roofer came up with that. Great guy.

Finally, thanks to Simon Littlefield, the man my wife left me for. Seriously, Simon—no hard feelings. I’ve never seen Kate so happy. And I’m doing better too. There’s so much I wanted out of life that just didn’t seem possible when I was with her, if that makes sense. Truly, I feel lucky. And to think, without your professorial good looks and tossed-off air of casual confidence, I’d still be stuck in a humdrum marriage with nothing to show for it but two beautiful children I see every day, a gorgeous woman who loves me for who I am, health insurance, and no time to start my heavy book of mal-horses!

Hear that, Simon? You did me a favor! Before you came along, I hadn’t even thought to sift through thousands and thousands of disturbing horse pictures to compile into a big, unwieldy coffee-table book. How pointlessly adrift I was! But no more. When you strolled up to Kate in that coffee shop and said, “Mind if I share this table?” with your expertly tailored tweed coat and dog-eared copy of Giovanni’s Room tucked under your arm, you were actually setting me free! My life has meaning now! Why? Because the book—my magnum opus, what I was put on Earth to do—is done! Don’t you understand? The horse book means I win, Simon! THE HORSE BOOK MEANS I WIN!!

Additionally, I would like to thank drugs.

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes - McSweeney’s

2025-03-24T17:30:00.000Z

Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to ensure these horrors—happening almost daily—would not be forgotten. Now that Trump has returned to office, amid civil rights, humanitarian, economic, and constitutional crises, we felt it critical to make an inventory of this new round of horrors. This list will be updated monthly between now and the end of Donald Trump’s second term.

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This list, along with everything McSweeney’s publishes on this site, is offered ad-free and at no charge to our readers. If you are moved to make a donation in any amount or subscribe to our website’s Patreon, please do. This will help support this project and our other work.

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ATROCITY KEY

– Constitutional Illegalities, Collusion, and/or Obstruction of Justice
– Environment
– Harassment, Bullying, Retribution, and/or Sexual Misconduct
– Lies and Misinformation
– Musk Madness
– Policy
– Public Statements and Social Media Posts
– Trump Family Business Dealings
– Trump Staff and Administration
– White Supremacy, Racism, Misogyny, Homophobia, Transphobia, and/or Xenophobia

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Jump to February 2025

Jump to March 2025

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JANUARY 2025

– January 20, 2025 – During his inaugural address at the Capitol Rotunda, Donald Trump proclaimed, “The golden age of America begins right now… From this day forward, our country will flourish and be respected again all over the world.” During the speech, he condemned the Biden administration while President Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris sat directly behind him. Trump stated he would reverse “horrible betrayals” and railed against a “radical and corrupt establishment” that he said “extracted power and wealth from our citizens.” On the dais near him sat a few of the wealthiest citizens in the world, including Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg.
– January 20, 2025 – Trump offered unconditional pardons to approximately 1,500 people charged in connection with the January 6, 2021, attack on the US Capitol. “These are people who actually love our country,” Trump announced, “so we thought a pardon would be appropriate.” Several January 6 defendants refused to accept their pardons. Mary Hemphill, often referred to as “MAGA Granny,” said, “It’s an insult to the Capitol police officers, to the rule of law, and to the nation. It contributes to their false propaganda—that they continue to gaslight the nation and everyone that it was a peaceful protest.”
– January 20, 2025 – In violation of the Fourteenth Amendment, Trump signed an executive order to end birthright citizenship. Attorneys general from twenty-two states sued in federal court. US District Judge John Coughenour blocked the order, describing it as “blatantly unconstitutional.” “We’re the only country in the world that does [birthright citizenship],” Trump said. Dozens of countries, including Canada, Mexico, and many South American nations, offer birthright citizenship.
– January 20, 2025 – Trump signed an executive order withdrawing the United States from the Paris Climate Agreement. He described it as “a rip-off.” During his inaugural address, Trump said, “We will be a rich nation again, and it is that liquid gold under our feet that will help to do it.” Fossil fuel interests gave Trump’s presidential campaign an estimated $75 million. Newly appointed Energy Secretary Chris Wright founded the fracking firm Liberty Energy. In 2023, Wright claimed, “There is no climate crisis, and we’re not in the midst of an energy transition, either.”
– January 20, 2025 – Trump signed Executive Order 14169, which mandated a ninety-day pause on all US foreign development assistance programs. The order, entitled “Reevaluating and Realigning United States Foreign Aid,” stated, “The United States foreign aid industry and bureaucracy are not aligned with American interests and in many cases antithetical to American values.” Secretary of State Marco Rubio said, “There will be changes, but the changes are not meant to be destructive, they’re not meant to be punitive.” Abby Maxam, head of Oxfam America, stated that suspending funding “could have life or death consequences” for children and families around the world.
– January 20, 2025 – During a speech at an inauguration celebration, Elon Musk, Trump’s pick to lead his Department of Governmental Efficiency, gave not one but two fascists gestures. “I just want to say thank you for making [Trump’s election victory] happen,” the billionaire told supporters. He then pounded his chest and extended his arm diagonally in the air, very similar to the Nazi Party’s infamous salute. After the crowd cheered, he did it a second time. In recent months, Musk had been increasingly engaging with far-right groups, like Germany’s Alternative für Deutschland. Trump, too, has been criticized for his fascist views, even by his vice president, JD Vance, who once called him “America’s Hitler.”
– January 21, 2025 – Trump introduced Executive Order 14151, aimed at ending diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) and diversity, equity, inclusion, and accessibility (DEIA) policies throughout the federal government. The order stated, “Federal employment practices, and employee performance reviews, shall reward individual initiative, skills, performance, and hard work and shall not under any circumstances consider DEI or DEIA factors, goals, policies, mandates, or requirements.” Everett Kelley, president of the American Federation of Government Employees, said the government already hires and promotes exclusively based on merit: “The results are clear: a diverse federal workforce that looks like the nation it serves. We should all be proud of that.”
– January 23, 2025 – Trump fired more than a dozen inspectors general in a late-night purge of independent government watchdog officials assigned to investigate crime and abuse. The fired inspectors general received White House emails that stated, “Due to changing priorities, your position as Inspector General… is terminated, effective immediately.” In response to the firings, Trump said, “Some people thought that some were unfair or some were not doing the job.” He claimed that the mass removal of inspectors general was “a very standard thing to do.” The terminations directly violated a federal law that required a thirty-day notice to Congress that included a rationale for the firings.
– January 24, 2025 – Just hours before he visited areas devastated by the Southern California wildfires, Trump blamed California’s Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom and other state officials for the fires. “Look, Gavin’s got one thing he can do,” Trump told Fox News. “He can release the water that comes from the north. There is massive amounts of water, rainwater, and mountain water that comes, too, with the snow, comes down as it melts, there’s so much water.” Water resource and environmental engineering experts said there was no connection between California’s water supply and the deadly wildfires.
– January 24, 2025 – Trump’s pick for secretary of defense, Fox News host Pete Hegseth, was narrowly confirmed after allegations of his past sexual violence, alcoholism, workplace misconduct, and affinity for far-right and neo-Nazi groups came to light. An affidavit by Hegseth’s former sister-in-law alleged that Hegseth, who has a white-extremist symbol tattooed on his chest, regularly made racist comments to his ex-wife while drunk. Upon his confirmation, Trump said, “We have a great secretary of defense, and we’re very happy,” adding, “the important thing is winning.”
– January 25, 2025 – In Chicago, Secret Service agents showed up at Hamline Elementary School and attempted to question an eleven-year-old who had posted an anti-Trump video online. The agents first visited a residence in the neighborhood to investigate a “threat to one of our protectees in reference to the recent TikTok ban.” They then visited the school and showed identification to school administrators, who refused to let them in. Initially, school officials falsely stated that the agents were from ICE, reflecting the community’s growing fears amid heightened tensions over immigration policy. More than 90 percent of Hamline’s students are Latinx and about two-thirds are English-language learners.
– January 25, 2025 – During a phone call with King Abdullah II of Jordan, Trump said he wanted Jordan to welcome more Palestinians from Gaza. “I’d love for you to take on more because I’m looking at the whole Gaza Strip right now, and it’s a mess. You’re talking about a million and a half people, and we just clean out that whole thing.” Jordanian Foreign Affairs Minister Ayman Safadi promptly replied, “Our refusal of displacement is a steadfast position that will not change.” In response to Trump’s suggestion, Senator Lindsey Graham said, “I don’t know what he’s talking about.”
– January 25, 2025 – At a Las Vegas rally, Trump speculated about running for additional presidential terms. “It will be the greatest honor of my life to serve not once but twice—or three or four times.” Just two days later, in a speech to House Republicans at Mar-a-Lago, Trump added, “I’ve raised a lot of money for the next race that I assume I can’t use for myself, but I’m not 100 percent sure,” eliciting laughter from House Speaker Mike Johnson, a former constitutional lawyer. The Twenty-Second Amendment to the US Constitution explicitly bans a president from being elected to more than two terms.
– January 27, 2025 – President Trump signed executive orders banning transgender individuals from serving in the military, eliminating the military’s diversity programs, and reinstating with back pay service members who were previously discharged for refusing COVID-19 vaccinations. The order banning trans service members stated that “adoption of a gender identity inconsistent with an individual’s sex conflicts with a soldier’s commitment to an honorable, truthful, and disciplined lifestyle” and “is not consistent with the humility and selflessness required of a service member.” In 2018, the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marine Corps chiefs all told Congress that transgender troops did not negatively impact unit cohesion, discipline issues, or morale.
– January 27, 2025 – In an internal memo sent to federal agencies, the White House ordered a temporary pause on federal grant and loan disbursements to ensure compliance with Trump’s recent executive orders. “The use of federal resources to advance Marxist equity, transgenderism, and Green New Deal social engineering policies is a waste of taxpayer dollars,” wrote Matthew J. Vaeth, then acting director of the Office of Management and Budget. A spreadsheet identified 2,600 federal programs under review, showing impacts to foreign aid, homeless shelters, food stamps, college financial aid, disaster reconstruction, Social Security, and senior health care.
– January 27, 2025 – Trump signed an executive order aimed at restricting gender-affirming health care—such as puberty blockers, hormone therapy, and surgery—for those under the age of nineteen. “Across the country today, medical professionals are maiming and sterilizing a growing number of impressionable children under the radical and false claim that adults can change a child’s sex through a series of irreversible medical interventions,” the order stated. “This dangerous trend will be a stain on our Nation’s history, and it must end.” In temporarily blocking the executive order, US District Judge Brendan A. Hurson said, “This is a population with an extremely higher rate for suicide, poverty, unemployment, drug addiction. [Abruptly stopping health care would be] horribly dangerous for anyone, for any care, but especially for this extremely vulnerable population.” Research shows that gender-diverse minors face increased risks for mental health issues, substance use, and suicide, and that gender-affirming health care improves overall well-being and quality of life.
– January 28, 2025 – In her first White House briefing, press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced that the Elon Musk–led Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) had prevented a planned $50 million from going “out the door to fund condoms in Gaza,” a “preposterous waste of taxpayer money.” Musk later reposted a video of Leavitt’s remarks with the comment “tip of the iceberg.” Leavitt’s claim was subsequently repeated and expanded upon by the president: “We identified and stopped $50 million being sent to Gaza to buy condoms for Hamas. They used them as a method of making bombs. How about that?” No evidence was offered to support Leavitt’s, Musk’s, or Trump’s claims. A federal report published in 2024 and now inaccessible on the United States Agency for International Development (USAID) website showed that the agency’s total worldwide spending on condoms in 2023 was only $7.1 million and that no condoms were provided or funded for the Middle East between 2021 and 2023.
– January 28, 2025 – The day after a passenger plane and Army helicopter collided mid-air above the Potomac River in Washington, DC, Trump blamed the deadly crash on DEI. At the time of Trump’s statement, an investigation into the cause of the crash was still ongoing. Trump stated, without evidence, that a “diversity push” by the Federal Aviation Administration had resulted in “hiring people with severe intellectual and psychiatric disabilities.” “We have to have the smartest people,” said Trump, referring to air traffic controllers. “It doesn’t matter what they look like, how they speak, who they are.” When a reporter asked Trump directly whether he believed “this crash was somehow caused as the result of diversity hiring,” Trump responded, “It just could have been.” Sixty-seven people were killed in the collision, the first major US commercial passenger crash since 2009.
– January 30, 2025 – During his Senate confirmation hearing, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Trump’s nominee for secretary of health and human services, doubled down on past statements that Black people have stronger immune systems than white people and should receive vaccines on a different schedule. In response to questions from Senator Angela Alsobrooks, who is Black, Kennedy said that a “series of studies” by the Mayo Clinic have shown that “to particular antigens Blacks have a much stronger reaction.” Dr. Richard Kennedy (no relation), a vaccine researcher at Mayo Clinic whom Robert F. Kennedy cited during the hearing, said the health secretary nominee was “twisting the data far beyond what they actually demonstrate.” Studies show that false beliefs about biological differences between Black and white people are associated with racial disparities in medical assessment and treatment.
– January 30, 2025 – The mass deportation operation spearheaded by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE ) rattled immigrant communities across the country. A recent announcement by the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) stated that DHS officials would enter schools and churches to conduct raids. The deportation operation was meant to remove dangerous criminals. Trump’s border czar, Tom Homan, admitted to “collateral arrests.” The Trump administration said it had arrested 7,400 people in nine days, and White House and ICE officials highlighted several dozen arrested immigrants on social media. No information in the thousands of other cases was made available.
– January 31, 2025 – The Justice Department fired dozens of prosecutors and demanded a list of FBI employees who had worked on investigations related to the January 6, 2021, attack on the US Capitol. Emil Bove, the acting deputy attorney general, characterized the initial hiring of these prosecutors during the Biden presidency as “subversive” and concurred with Trump’s description of the Capitol attack investigations as “a grave national injustice.” At the time of the Capitol attacks, Bove worked for the US Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of New York and directed prosecutors to support the FBI’s investigations. “At no point did I ever hear him or anybody else express concern about these investigations and these arrests that we were making,” said Christopher O’Leary, an FBI counterterrorism official who worked with Bove on the investigations.
– January 31, 2025 – In compliance with Trump’s executive orders eliminating federal DEI programs and requiring the government to recognize only two sexes, numerous Department of Health and Human Services webpages and datasets were taken down, including CDC and NIH pages related to HIV, LGBTQ+ health, STI treatment, and food safety during pregnancy. In response, the Infectious Disease Society of America released a statement, noting that the removal of these online resources was “deeply concerning” and created “a dangerous gap in scientific information and data to monitor and respond to disease outbreaks.”

- – -

FEBRUARY 2025
– February 1, 2025 – President Trump signed executive orders imposing tariffs on Canada, China, and Mexico. The tariffs aimed to curb the flow of migrants and fentanyl into the country. He claimed the three countries were allowing “mass numbers of people to come in and fentanyl to come in.” The executive orders sidestepped congressional approval, and Trump acknowledged there could be “some pain” in the form of higher inflation, job losses, and stagnating growth due to the tariffs. The Wall Street Journal called Trump’s plan “the dumbest trade war in history.”
– February 3, 2025 – Trump ordered the Army Corps of Engineers to release 2.2 billion gallons of water from two reservoirs in central California. Local officials scrambled to prepare as communities were threatened of being inundated. On Truth Social, Trump crowed, “The water is flowing in California… and heading to farmers throughout the State, and to Los Angeles. Too bad they refused to do this during my First Term—There would have been no fires!” Neither reservoir was connected to aqueducts serving the southern part of the state. “Those releases had absolutely zero to do with anything in Los Angeles,” said Gregory Pierce, director of UCLA’s Water Resource Group. “This was a stunt purely so Trump could say that he did something.”
– February 3, 2025 – Trump announced the United States would cut aid to South Africa over their recent land expropriation law. On Truth Social, Trump posted, “South Africa is confiscating land, and treating certain classes of people VERY BADLY.” Trump’s talking points mirrored those of South Africa–born billionaire Elon Musk. In 2023, Musk said, “They are openly pushing for genocide of white people in South Africa.” White South Africans, who make up about 7 percent of the population, continue to dominate land ownership and occupy almost 50 percent of South Africa’s surface area.
– February 4, 2025 – During a White House press conference with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Donald Trump...

My Mother-in-Law Wouldn’t Complain If She Didn’t Get Her Social Security Check Because She Would Be Dead - McSweeney’s

2025-03-24T12:00:00.000Z

" Commerce secretary Howard Lutnick suggested this week that only ‘fraudsters’ would complain about missing a monthly Social Security check, and that most people wouldn’t mind if the government simply skipped a payment. — Axios

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People are overreacting that the Trump administration’s planned overhauls of the Social Security Administration could lead to delayed or missed Social Security payments and cause senior citizens hardship. Take my 94-year-old mother-in-law Barbara—if her check didn’t come as scheduled, she wouldn’t even complain—because she would soon be dead.

Unlike most older people in this country, Barbara doesn’t sit around defrauding the American taxpayer—namely, herself, who paid Social Security taxes her whole life—by living on an income so fixed that if her Social Security check was even a few days delayed it would cause bills to go unpaid, late fees to be assessed, and her entire financial future to depend on the outcome of Wheel of Fortune’s My$tery Wedge 10k Giveaway.

No, she would be totally fine without her check. Barbara is not one of those self-important elderly people who need to eat food to survive. She can subsist solely on quartered containers of yogurt and the knowledge that she is fulfilling her patriotic duty to, as the President said, make sacrifices in the short term that will pay off later. So if she can just forego eating for the days, weeks, or months it will take to undo all of the avoidable mistakes the administration will make in trying to change Social Security, she will certainly be able to afford food again, after she has passed away due to malnutrition.

And she doesn’t worry about running out of medication either because she knows she can just ration it for a little while if she needs to, for the sake of the country. If she just has one small stroke per day after she runs out of blood pressure medication instead of one massive stroke on the first day, she may be able to go on living for up to a week before she still dies anyway.

If she can just keep her mouth shut and die, why can’t everyone else on Social Security do the same? It just goes to show that people who would complain about a missed check are fraudsters who feel entitled to social security just because it is an entitlement program. What’s next? Older Americans also feel entitled to affordable healthcare from the Medicare program just because it is also an entitlement program they have paid into their whole lives.

Barbara is a woman who gets by on her gumption, not by sitting around waiting for a handout. She knows that if someday, probably very soon, her check doesn’t arrive, she could just call up her billionaire Treasury Secretary son-in-law and ask for some money. And if it turns out she doesn’t have such a son-in-law (sorry, Barb!), then at least she will die knowing her daughter is very happy with a nice man who she totally doesn’t care isn’t rich.

My mother-in-law is representative of the many older Americans who I am sure will be on the right side of history by falling in line with a corrupt government trying to dismantle a program that is universally popular across party lines, ultimately dying in the process.

As ol’ Barb always says, “It’s shameful to use a made-up story about me to score political points; I never said any of this.”

American History Lessons Edited to Comply with Anti-DEI Standards - McSweeney’s

2025-03-21T17:00:00.000Z

“Images of ‘Enola Gay,’ the aircraft that dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima in Japan are among those targeted by the U.S. military in an initiative to eliminate content related to diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI).” – Newsweek

“Articles about the renowned Native American Code Talkers have disappeared from some military websites, with several broken URLs now labeled ‘DEI.’” – Axios Salt Lake City

- - -

As part of the Trump administration’s crackdown on wokeness, we are providing new guidelines for teaching United States history so that classroom curriculums no longer celebrate or emphasize specific groups of people over others. These history lessons have been edited to remove any references to race, gender, and sexual orientation that might fall under the category of DEI.

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The [SOUTHWESTERN AMERICAN] Code Talkers

During World War II, [A GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT LIVE PRIMARILY IN RURAL ARIZONA AND NEW MEXICO] helped the United States Army send important military intel by translating it into [A SPECIAL TYPE OF COMMUNICATION THAT ONLY THEY UNDERSTOOD]. The brave [SOUTHWESTERN AMERICANS] helped the Allies win World War II thanks to [QUALITIES THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY UNIQUE TRAITS THEY MIGHT HAVE SHARED]. The only things those [SOUTHWESTERN AMERICANS] had in common was that they were [PART OF A GROUP OF PEOPLE WHOSE ANCESTORS HAVE LIVED IN THE UNITED STATES FOR A LONG TIME AND WHO HAVE HISTORICALLY CHOSEN TO RELOCATE TO INCREASINGLY DESOLATE AND REMOTE TRACTS OF LAND ENTIRELY BY THEIR OWN VOLITION].

- - -

The Enola [STRAIGHT] Drops the Atomic Bomb, “Little [CHILD],”
on [COUNTRY THAT HAPPENS TO BE IN ASIA]

On August 6, 1945, the American B-29 bomber, the Enola [STRAIGHT], became the first aircraft to drop an atomic bomb, nicknamed “Little [CHILD].” The airplane, [WHICH WAS, LIKE ALL AIRPLANES, HETEROSEXUAL], took off [VERY HETEROSEXUALLY] from the Northern Mariana Islands and flew six hours to [A COUNTRY THAT HAPPENED TO BE IN ASIA], where it dropped a fifteen-kiloton atomic bomb that killed 80,000 [CIVILIANS THAT HAPPENED TO LIVE IN THAT PART OF ASIA]. The decision to drop the bomb on [PEOPLE THAT HAPPENED TO LIVE IN THAT PART OF ASIA], as well as to detain [AMERICANS WHOSE ANCESTORS HAPPENED TO HAVE LIVED IN THAT PART OF ASIA] during World War II, had nothing to do with [PROPAGANDA THAT EMPHASIZED THE FACIAL FEATURES OF PEOPLE THAT HAPPENED TO LIVE IN THAT PART OF ASIA].

- - -

The [UNSPECIFIED TYPE OF PERSON]’s Suffrage Movement

Beginning in the nineteenth century, a growing movement paved the way for [AN UNSPECIFIED GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT MAKES UP ABOUT HALF THE POPULATION] to gain the right to vote. Up to that point, [THAT UNSPECIFIED GROUP OF PEOPLE] were not allowed to vote because of [A PARTICULAR PERSONAL QUALITY THEY HAD IN COMMON], and only [A DIFFERENT UNSPECIFIED GROUP THAT MAKES UP THE OTHER HALF OF THE POPULATION] were allowed to vote (unless they were [A DIFFERENT UNSPECIFIED TYPE OF PERSON], in which case they weren’t allowed to vote in several states either). This ended with the passage of the Nineteenth Amendment, which gave [UNSPECIFIED GROUP OF PEOPLE] the right to vote, as long as they weren’t [THAT OTHER UNSPECIFIED TYPE OF PERSON].

- - -

Jackie Robinson Overcomes
[NO SPECIFIC OBSTACLE IN PARTICULAR]
in Professional Baseball

Baseball hall of famer Jackie Robinson is best known for [NOTHING IN PARTICULAR, OTHER THAN BEING A GREAT BASEBALL PLAYER]. Though most major league baseball teams at the time refused to sign Robinson because [THEY JUST DIDN’T LIKE THE CUT OF HIS JIB], Robinson finally became the first [PERSON NAMED JACKIE ROBINSON] to play Major League Baseball in 1947. Jackie Robinson paved the way for [OTHER PEOPLE WHO WERE DISLIKED FOR NO REASON] to play professional sports.

- - -

The [HAPPY] Pride Movement

The beginning of the modern [HAPPY] Rights Movement is typically traced back to June 28, 1969, when a group of [PASSIONATE BARBRA STREISAND FANS] at the Stonewall Inn were [POLITELY ASKED TO DISPERSE] by the NYPD. The patrons of the Stonewall, many of whom [WORE MAKEUP AND JEWELRY DESPITE HAVING PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES THAT AREN’T AS OFTEN ASSOCIATED WITH WEARING MAKEUP AND JEWELRY] refused to disperse, leading to more [MUSICAL THEATER ENTHUSIASTS] joining their cause. The movement, which drew attention to whether [HAPPY] people should have the right to [BE HAPPY], gained momentum following the [LAWFUL AND APPROPRIATE ACTIONS OF POLICE OFFICERS] at the Stonewall Inn. Though the question remains whether [HAPPY] people are inherently [HAPPY] or just choose to be [HAPPY] for attention.

- - -

The [CROSS]-Atlantic [UNPAID INTERN] Trade

Starting in the early 1600s, [LANDOWNERS] in the United States began bringing [UNPAID INTERNS] from [THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ATLANTIC OCEAN], to work on their farms. The [UNPAID INTERNS] picked cash crops like cotton and tobacco and [IN EXCHANGE, WERE GIVEN FOOD, LODGING, AND VALUABLE JOB EXPERIENCE THAT WOULD LOOK GREAT ON THEIR RÉSUMÉS]. The unpaid interns were treated [THE SAME WAY AMERICA HAS ALWAYS TREATED EVERYBODY—EQUALLY]. This [HUMANE AND MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL] practice, known as the [CROSS]-Atlantic [UNPAID INTERN] Trade, lasted for hundreds of years, until the Civil War, which was started by [WHO EVEN REMEMBERS, REALLY?] and fought primarily over [STATES’ RIGHTS].

Excerpts from The Believer: The Process: Judy Baca, Generation on Fire, 2023 - McSweeney’s

2025-03-21T13:00:00.000Z

"I don’t set myself up like the white-boy artists historically did in the United States, where they didn’t feel any sense of responsibility to the community. I don’t set myself up as the sole master of the work of art.”

- - -

In which an artist discusses making a particular work

- - -

Artist Judy Baca created the mural The Great Wall of Los Angeles over five summers (between 1974 and 1983) with four hundred collaborators from the Social and Public Art Resource Center (SPARC), an organization she cofounded that is made up of youth, artists, and community members. Running along the walls of the Tujunga Wash, a tributary of the Los Angeles River in North Hollywood, the mural is half a mile long and features the erased history of local communities. With a grant from the Mellon Foundation, Baca and SPARC are now expanding The Great Wall’s chronology. These “sites of public memory,” as they are described by Baca, are visual records of our authentic historical narrative. The new sections are being painted indoors, as opposed to on site, thanks to innovative mural processes and technologies. Baca and I discussed Generation on Fire, a new segment of the wall that focuses on the ’60s.

—Trina Calderón

- - -

THE BELIEVER: Tell me about the origins of muralism in Los Angeles and how you came to work as a muralist.

JUDY BACA: I’ve been involved in the mural movement since its beginning in Los Angeles, as the director of the first citywide mural program. The precedents for this work in the twentieth century are Los Tres Grandes [leading Mexican muralists David Alfaro Siqueiros, Diego Rivera, and José Clemente Orozco] and, of course, the Works Progress Administration. The WPA mural programs came to be, in part, because of George Biddle writing to Roosevelt saying: Look what the Mexicans are doing down here in terms of creating a giant public education program and painting on public buildings.

On the Mexican side, Los Tres Grandes were supported largely by their government’s mural program, which was directed by the secretary of public education, José Vasconcelos. He created a program that gave them sites to paint public pieces on. Their intention was to educate the public about the precepts of the revolution, which was about land, family, and liberty. While the revolution in some ways failed, the artwork was a way of carrying those concepts forward. Here in the United States, the WPA was, unfortunately, kind of shortsighted. It was a wonderful program, but it didn’t continue long enough. It wasn’t until 1974 that the city of Los Angeles began a mural program, which was when I proposed it to the city council. We began a public program that contracted artists to do works in their communities with the support of community members.

The Great Wall was a result of that program. It had been on a production hiatus because we didn’t have the public monies to continue it after the ’80s. The last time it had been worked on was in ’83.

BLVR: How did you begin to imagine this new segment of the mural, Generation on Fire?

JB: The process is always kind of procedural, and it’s something that we have used since the beginning of The Great Wall. Researchers, historians, thought leaders, and people from the community help determine the content. This particular section came out of an interview I did with Tom Hayden. I asked Tom to give us a general view of how he would describe the 1960s, considering his significant acts during that period, both as a member of the Chicago 10 and later as an elected official. He said very definitively, “We were a generation on fire.” What he meant was that there were thousands and thousands of self-described revolutionaries, and the tone of the era was people thinking they could create change. It was more acceptable, or more the norm, to consider yourself an activist—compared with today, when it’s common for young people coming out of universities to be focused more on entertainment and social media, and basically nonaction. People in that time came together across race and class and began to take action to end the war. To change what was the white male world. That’s how Tom described it, and that’s what the image is about. On one side, there are people carrying the I AM A MAN signs from the marches in Selma, Alabama, and underneath them are the actual Jim Crow laws. Reverend [James] Lawson told us the most important thing about the ’60s was the end of Jim Crow—even though we also know that Jim Crow shifted to the prisons. When we picture the Jim Crow laws, everybody thinks they came primarily from the South, but California had extreme Jim Crow laws too. California’s laws were aimed primarily at Asians, Latinos, and Mexicans. So when young people march alongside the mural, they’ll be learning the history as they go along, and the reality of these Jim Crow laws will come into view.

And then, on the other side of this discrimination, you see the “generation on fire,” with their arms linked, with fire in their chests. Above them is the Freedom Rider bus. We have named the people who took the Freedom Rides—some of them ended up at the lunch counters here in Los Angeles.

BLVR: Yes, you can see their names right outside the bus windows. After you’ve conceptualized this image, what’s the next phase of your process?

JB: No painting—no mural—I have ever done is painted directly on the wall without a drawing. After our research has established a defining metaphor, we go to the design team. The design team are artists I work with who propose images or sketches. We look at all these ideas and select an option we like. From there, the image comes into my digital mural lab, and I begin to manipulate the ideas into what we call the Punto de Oro system, which is based on the Mexican division of space and musical ratios. No arm flies in any direction and no head turns without being coordinated by this ratio, which creates a sense of musical time within the piece. Then those final drawings are solidified and I make sure they fit with the other pieces of the mural, so it all flows. From there, the drawings go into colorations. The drawings are printed on giant nonwoven fabric material. The prints are in blue. We do a monochromatic treatment of the pieces—meaning we’re creating three-dimensionality with one color, a phthalo blue. From there we begin to color-mix based on the colorations. We’re looking at a color treatment that is predetermined. And then we begin to paint. It’s a far cry from a spray-can artwork.

- - -

Read the rest of this interview over at The Believer.

’Twas Another Damn Lockdown - McSweeney’s

2025-03-21T12:00:00.000Z

Otis Tanouye is a ninth-grader at Bethesda Chevy Chase High School in Maryland. He wrote this during his school’s second lockdown in less than a week. Fortunately, no one was hurt during either of the lockdowns.

- - -

’Twas the second damn lockdown, when all through the school
Several students were stirring, cuz lockdowns aren’t cool.
Two times in six days, wow, BCC.
Well, go off to “hide.” Yippee.

The kids were curled up by the side walls with care,
In hopes that no shooters would notice them there.
The children were nestled with back pain galore.
They collectively thought, “I’ve played these games before.”

Some kids wore hoodies, some wore a cap,
Some of them decided to just take a nap.
When the lockdown was called, there arose such a clatter,
The students checked Twitter to see what was the matter.

Taking out their AirPods and phones with a flash,
This is more boring than a middle school bash!
Some kids said, “You know what? Hell no,”
And into Bethesda those children did go.

When what to my bored-ass eyes should appear,
But a text from a friend that the SWAT team was here.
They entered the school so lively and quick,
Guess we’ll be here awhile. Can I leave if I say I’m sick?

More rapid than eagles, more Humvees came,
And our teacher told us to write down our names.
“Now, Otis! Now, David! Now, Ryan and Ken!”
They took our attendance till suddenly when—
To MCPD’s Twitter! To the top of the wall!
An announcement about a gun-related call?

So the texting continued, relaying the event,
So the texting continued, and the students did vent.

Finally, the announcement came on!
The lockdown is over; the threat may be gone!
Then they reported the police closed the case,
Happy lockdown to all, now shelter in place!

RFK Jr.’s Plans for Stopping the Bird Flu - McSweeney’s

2025-03-20T23:30:00.000Z

“Kennedy’s alarming prescription for bird flu on poultry farms. The health secretary has suggested allowing the virus to spread, so as to identify birds that may be immune. Such an experiment would be disastrous, scientists say.”
— New York Times

- - -

A deadly strain of bird flu has been detected in the United States of America. This, apparently, is our problem, even though no one told us we were in charge of birds. But now that we’re all caught up, we here at the Department of Health and Birds(?) want you to know that there is no reason to worry. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has a plan—and we’re feeling really good about it. But just in case his first plan somehow fails (which seems unlikely, but you never know), he has also prepared some backup plans and some backups for the backups, which we are confident will be not only effective but extremely legal.

Plan A: Do Nothing and See What Happens
This plan is already in effect.

Plan B: Kill All the Birds
It might sound harsh, but even Fauci can’t deny it—you can’t have bird flu if you don’t have birds.

Plan C: Give the Birds Guns
The thing about killing all the birds is that it would probably be really gross, but that’s where Plan C comes in. With guns, the birds can kill each other, and then we won’t have to do anything yucky. Plus, it’ll be a great way to use all the extra guns we have lying around.

Plan D: Deport the Birds
We’ll say the birds are terrorists.

Plan E: Tell the Birds That They Won a Free Cruise, but Then We Just Kill Them
Similar to Plan B, but with an element of trickery.

Plan F: Make Eggs MORE Expensive
Classic reverse psychology. We are so excited and grateful to spend twenty dollars per egg.

Plan G: Write a Musical About It
Great PR.

Plan H: Flush an Ice Cube Down the Toilet
It worked when we were kids…

Plan I: Send More Money to Israel
The old standby.

Plan J: Identify the Bird in Charge, Make Promises, Earn His Trust
Once we locate the Bird in Charge (the biggest one), we will offer to back it financially in exchange for a high-ranking position in bird government. This will enable us to do whatever the hell we want, like make sure the flu spreads only to birds that don’t matter, like woman birds. In the event that the Bird in Charge is unwilling to cooperate, we will eat it.

Plan K: Call Anthony Fauci
THIS IS A LAST RESORT.

Niche Romance Novel Microtropes - McSweeney’s

2025-03-20T17:00:00.000Z

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No One on the Basketball Moms Text Thread Laughed When I Compared Our Winless Season to Billy Joel’s “Goodnight Saigon” - McSweeney’s

2025-03-20T12:00:00.000Z

It’s not that I failed to consider that most of us weren’t alive when Billy Joel released it as the fourth track off The Nylon Curtain in 1982. Nor did I neglect to perceive that comparing a group of guileless first graders who have gotten their asses absolutely handed to them in co-ed basketball for ten Saturdays in a row to a platoon of imaginary marines who survived (or did they?) the horrors of the Vietnam War might be considered, by some, to be tasteless. Nor was it lost on me that nothing about any of the other B-Ball Moms screams “Billy Joel aficionado.”

But much like the haunted collective first-person narrator in one of the darkest pop songs ever written, I was so gung-ho to lay down my life for the sake of—what I still maintain, despite the deafening silence of the other B-Ball Moms—was a pretty solid joke about how depressing it is to watch our bewildered and uncoordinated children get dog-walked, week after week, by remarkably better youth basketball teams. In fact, I think it was as sharp as knives (knives knives knives), and I won’t rest until at least one of you scrolls back up in the text chain and agrees. And yes, Mackenzie, I sort of think it should be you.

Because these kids haven’t won a single game. Not one. Not one out of ten. And not only that, but the scorekeeper in every single game has, respectfully and without fanfare, just stopped keeping track of the other team’s total once they hit thirty points. This has happened ten times.

And yet, these brave six- and seven-year-olds keep showing up for each other, weekend after weekend, match after punishing match, with no clue why they’re there instead of at Puppeteering Club, where they belong. Also, no clue how to dribble without staring directly at the ball or which hoop is theirs or what a shot clock is or how to inbound pass or why their opponents even bother to guard them. All they do know is that they won’t win, and that there can be no real winners in a situation as fucky as this.

So, you tell me, how is that any different from meeting as soulmates on Parris Island, and then leaving as inmates from an asylum? Hasn’t this diminutive band of brothers and sisters left their childhood on every acre, either way? The answer, Mackenzie, is yes. Yes, they fucking have.

And if I want to shout loudly from the bleachers at my tiny, gap-toothed son and his adorable, terrified teammates to dig in deep, shoot on sight, learn fast to travel light, and PRAY TO JESUS CHRIST WITH ALL OF THEIR MIGHT, then I will continue to do so, game after eviscerating game, until this brutalizing and hellish season of church rec league basketball is finally over.

And if I want to repeatedly and enthusiastically encourage them all to play like “tameless horses,” whatever the hell those are, then I will keep doing that, too, as many times as my voice, already raw from trying, unsuccessfully, to lead the parents’ section in a chant of “WE WOULD ALL GO DOWN TOGETHER” will allow.

You think me showing up in army fatigues and eye black is scaring the children? I think your inability to grasp how harrowing this season has been for them and how apt and hilarious it is to compare their collective disenchantment to a forty-three-year-old song that Billboard once called “uncompromisingly bleak” is what’s scary. So, unless you want me to pass out old Playboys and Bob Hope records when it’s my turn for snack duty, circle back to our text thread and give me the basic courtesy of a simple “haha.” Or at least like my message.

You hold the day in the palm of your hand.

Are you going to pony up with that thumbs up, or are you waiting for me to arrive at our first round of tournament play with my snare drum, a box of loose crickets, and a Bluetooth speaker that only blasts the eerie sounds of a Huey helicopter retreating into the sunset?

If you think I’m bluffing, ask Joey’s mother what happened last spring when no one on the Tee-Ball Moms group chat acknowledged my hysterical Apocalypse Now reference. I’ll give you a hint: It didn’t not involve me hurling an expensive and incredibly realistic-looking severed latex head onto the pitcher’s mound.

Your move, Mackenzie. Just because I haven’t done anything yet with the body-bag imagery in this iconoclastic dirge that sailed to the top of the pop charts in the Netherlands in 1983 doesn’t mean I won’t.

We Regret to Inform You We Will No Longer Sponsor Your Pride Parade - McSweeney’s

2025-03-19T12:00:00.000Z

“San Francisco Pride loses $300,000 after sponsors drop out: ‘The tone has changed in this country.’” — Them, 3/17/25

- - -

Dear Queer Organization,

This isn’t an easy letter to write, but after so many years together, we owe you honesty and transparency, so we will say this as plainly as we can: We, a multinational corporation, will no longer be funding your pride parade or any of its associated homosexual activities. We know that for years we donated funds, shamelessly appropriated rainbow branding for the month of June, and gave away countless branded T-shirts at pride parades, but now, we think it’s best that we go our separate ways.

We realize everyone says this, but it’s not you, it’s us—well, it’s not so much us as it is our shareholders who demand that we take any action, regardless of its inhumanity, so long as it leads to profits. In fact, the shareholders have helped us understand that we’re in different places. Your rights are being threatened in new and unprecedented ways. And us? Well, we’re just ready to try new things.

Maybe we’ll experiment with some kind of hellish AI chatbot. Maybe we’ll give our C suite a raise while keeping employee wages flat. Maybe we’ll do some performative fascist bootlicking in the form of eliminating programs aimed at bolstering diversity within our organization—the point is, it’s time for us to spread our wings and fly.

We want you to know that this doesn’t take away the incredible times we’ve had together. Remember that year we featured a single attractive white gay couple chastely holding hands in one of our ads? It was you and us against the world. And what about when you and your community spent millions of dollars on our products over years and years, believing that we were somehow more ethical and equitable than our competitors? And—gosh—we’ll never forget that time our corporate account tweeted “What’s tea?” and someone replied “Mother.” We were unstoppable together!

We think we owe it to each other to be radically honest. We’ll go first: You are a marginalized community, and as a bloodthirsty corporation desperate for profits, we’re just being honest when we say you will never be enough for us. We need to be with customers that are—how do we say this?—less… politically inconvenient? Less… likely to upset the conservative oligarchs sitting on our board of directors? You know what we mean.

We’ve been talking to the shareholders a lot—and before you say anything, because we know you guys never liked each other—they’ve actually been really supportive through this whole thing. They were saying that you were a suppressive presence in our life. Like, you never even tried getting into a single one of our hobbies. Would it have killed you to try price gouging even once?

Listen, we loved “us.” We loved counting you as a profitable demographic. We loved publicly performing our allyship in the loudest way possible, and we love how that ultimately hollow performance distracted from all the FTC regulations we must keep breaking to remain profitable. But the fact is, that time in our life is over. It’s dead. And it’s never coming back. Unless, of course, the political and cultural landscape radically changes in a few years, which is why we’d love to find a way to stay friends.

We really do want to stay in touch. We’d love for us to find a way to be part of each other’s lives. We don’t want you to think we’re just abandoning you at the exact moment when allyship would actually count for something tangible in this world.

Sure, that’s what this is, but we don’t want you to think that.

Sincerely,
A Multinational Corporation

Senator Schumer Votes to Let the Big Wooden Horse into Troy - McSweeney’s

2025-03-18T23:39:00.000Z

“In the wake of votes by a handful of key Democrats, led by Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, to pass a GOP-led continuing resolution funding federal operations through the end of September, fissures have expanded within the Democratic Party on how best to counter Donald Trump and Elon Musk’s ongoing assault on government agencies.” — Mother Jones

- - -

SCHUMER: My fellow Trojans, we are gathered to discuss what to do with the big wooden horse statue that the Greeks left behind.

TOWNSMAN: It’s a ruse to kill us all! I say we burn it, then uncork some wine—and enjoy centuries of peace and prosperity.

SCHUMER: Yes, there’s danger in opening our gates to this statue. But there’s also danger in keeping it out… the danger of eroding the sanctity of the gift-giving process. Now, what do we know about this thing?

GUARD 1: We found it two days ago, along with a note that reads: “Please take this statue as a gift. It would look especially good in an unguarded plaza with easy access to your main thoroughfares. P.S. Try not to block the air holes—for artistic reasons.”

SCHUMER: Was there anything on the back?

GUARD 1: A blueprint for a gigantic horse that can fit thirty men inside.

SCHUMER: Well, I—for one—am touched by this act of generosity. Perhaps one day, all of humanity will know the saying “Be welcoming of Greeks bearing gifts.”

GUARD 2: Senator, there’s more… as we approached the horse, we heard what sounded like dozens of soldiers sharpening daggers inside. At one point, baklava fell out—and one of the soldiers said, “Great. That was the last of the baklava. Now we have to kill a thousand Trojans on an empty stomach.”

SCHUMER: Has anyone actually seen these supposed soldiers?

GUARD 1: No, but we hear them plenty. They whistle every time a maiden walks by. And this morning, we heard a voice say, “Dammit, I spilled the pee bucket,” then the horse almost tipped over as they all scattered to get away.

GUARD 2: The statue also has a secret hatch—one of them opened it to let out all the hookah smoke. Senator, let’s just destroy it.

SCHUMER: But what of decorum?

GUARD 2: Is he one of the Greeks hiding in the horse?

TOWNSMAN: I have an idea—let’s weigh the pros and cons of letting in the horse. I’ll start. Pros: none.

SCHUMER: My brethren, soldiers may leap out of that statue tonight and kill me, but what’s leaping out at me right now is our total disregard for norms. What you see as an enemy threat, I see as a one-of-a-kind statue of a mare.

GUARD 1: Oh, it’s not a mare—that horse is packing. We think that’s where they’re storing the shields.

GUARD 2: And I have to push back on “one of a kind.” This is the third one they’ve built—their soldiers fell through the bottom of the first two.

SCHUMER: Look… I know everyone’s worried about this statue facing our gates. But I see this as a chess match between us and the Greeks—and I know chess. Our best play is to move the horse straight forward.

TOWNSMAN: Are you sure you know chess?

GUARD 1: Maybe we can compromise. What if we let in the horse—but surround it with men ready to stab anyone who jumps out?

SCHUMER: No dice. We’ll need everyone capable of wielding a blade to get to work on the thank-you sculpture we send back to Greece.

TOWNSMAN: Senator, this is a real quagmire—perhaps we should sleep on it?

SCHUMER: Fine. But we’ll sleep on it with the horse inside the gate, so no one can steal it.

TOWNSMAN: (indecipherable muttering in Trojan)

SCHUMER: People of Troy, long ago, you vested me with the power to make big decisions. Do you remember why?

GUARD 1: Because we trusted your judgment.

SCHUMER: Exactly—And after all these years, I still have that same tactical savvy. Now let’s wheel this mysterious hollow horse to our city center, then go get some shut-eye.

Despite Massive Cuts to Higher Ed, We Faculty Are Thrilled about Our New Multi-Million-Dollar Football Coach - McSweeney’s

2025-03-18T17:00:00.000Z

Dear Board of Trustees,

As professors at this large state university, we want to thank you for your recent investment in athletics. We admit, when we first heard that you were spending $50 million to replace our washed-up, elderly football coach with a washed-up, elderly, unemployed NFL coach, we were skeptical. But now we see the error of our ways. During this era of declining enrollment, public mistrust, and open attacks by the US government, it’s clear that only one thing can save this institution, the country’s oldest public university: college football.

We are grateful that, through this mega-contract with a coach with zero collegiate experience, the university is publicly recognizing what we’ve known for years: Our mission is not to prepare America’s youth for successful careers; it’s to make money on football. Now, we’ll finally be able to maximize profit through ad revenue, ticket sales, and selling overpriced beer to drunk fans. Just like the NFL, but with fewer Taylor Swift sightings.

Of course, some faculty complained at first. We didn’t understand how the university could come up with so much money after two decades of budget reductions. After all, you cut scholarship programs, axed the entire American Studies Department, and replaced the library with a Chik-fil-A. But now we realize that, in addition to semester-to-semester adjunct contracts that barely cover the rent, we can make extra cash working the concession stand.

We’re also happy that in order to get more TV revenue, you dropped our regional athletic conference for a thirty-team conference with schools across the country. At first, we thought, won’t this make it harder for student-athletes to get to class? Most athletes already miss a lot of classes for travel. Many are barely passing. Won’t it be even harder when they have to fly across the country and back on a random Tuesday? Luckily, you reminded us that we have to treat student-athletes and nonathletes the same. That’s when we realized that the new travel schedule could benefit everyone. We’ve shifted from teaching Monday, Wednesday, and Friday every week to holding class on one single Monday, Wednesday, and Friday the entire semester. Sure, after some parents complained, you cut faculty salaries even further. But we don’t mind, since it allows us to focus on our new career passion: walking around the stadium hawking Bud Light.

We are thrilled about the brand-new 80,000-seat football stadium you’ve built in the center of campus. Sure, a stadium that’s the size of a city block makes it hard to get from one building to the next, but since none of us can afford parking spots near campus anyway, we don’t mind a few extra steps. And when we’re giving a lecture about the dangers of unchecked capitalism, there’s nothing better than gazing out the leaded window of our unheated, asbestos-ridden lecture hall and seeing a gleaming monument to what really matters: college athletics.

We also appreciate how sports infuses our campus with festivity. Before, our main social events were faculty book-launch parties, which, after years of fieldwork and brutal peer reviews, took place at an abandoned elementary school playground and featured boxed wine, cheese from Aldi’s almost-expired section, and at least one weeping assistant professor. Now, every time we win against our rival, we have huge campus-wide parties. The ice sculptures, flowing champagne, and celebrity cameos are not only fun but also remind us who are the real engines of this world-renowned university: a few dozen teenage football players.

In sum, we faculty could not be more pleased with the Board of Trustees’ increased investment in athletics. We’re delighted to discuss further how we can better leverage our decades of training in highly specialized fields to better promote college sports. To contact us, please reach out: You can find us at the hot dog stand.

— Your university’s professors

We Are Mark Wahlberg’s Personal Trainers, and We’re Pretty Much Just Messing With Him at This Point - McSweeney’s

2025-03-18T12:00:00.000Z

Whenever you open Instagram or TikTok, you’ve probably seen Mark Wahlberg jumping in an ice bath at 4 a.m. or squeezing in a third set of bicep curls in the dead of night. What you don’t see is us coaching him behind the camera, because we are Mark Wahlberg’s phalanx of personal trainers, and we are pretty much just fucking with him at this point.

- - -

Messing with Mark Wahlberg is easy and fun because Mark Wahlberg will do anything we tell him to.

“Jump into this dumpster filled with rocks and soy sauce,” we say.

“It will make me strong?” Mark Wahlberg looks up at us with wide eyes and a wet nose.

“Yes, Mark Wahlberg,” we chuckle. “Soy sauce is made of salt. Salt makes you powerful.”

“Slow down,” Mark Wahlberg screams. “Facts make the top of my body hurt! They make the top of my body hurt so bad!”

- - -

Mark Wahlberg is training. He learns ancient burpee wisdom from Adidas scholars and drinks smoothies the color of living manatee skin. Eight times a year, he releases a new movie where he plays a dad who snaps men’s necks in empty rooms inside shopping malls. In many of these pictures, his stunts are like: running down boulevards, using a parachute, punching with some occasional kicking. You don’t need to have less than 4 percent body fat to do these things. Please, no one tell Mark Wahlberg this. Oh God, hear our truth: We just managed to convince Mark Wahlberg that hedgehogs are the new white meat, for no reason other than our own hubris. We know that we will not see heaven for this.

- - -

Mark Wahlberg pauses.

“It will make me strong?” asks Mark Wahlberg.

“Yes, Mark Wahlberg,” we say. “One ounce of cat semen has more protein than a hamburger.”

Some of us protest treating Mark Wahlberg this way. We banish those trainers to the basement where Donnie lives.

- - -

Why do we do this? Why do we lie and thus ensnare Mark Wahlberg in our lie prison? No time to ponder; we have to convince Mark Wahlberg that running through a car wash over and over again will make his biceps bigger. Many of us have to keep spraying him with a hose to keep him from chewing the wet rubber flaps. We wonder, as we often do, if this was worth quitting our jobs at Google for. Oh no, we looked away for a minute, and now Mark Wahlberg is trapped on the median of the highway, barking in fear.

- - -

“I don’t know if I want to drag this car into the ocean,” Mark Wahlberg says.

“Weird,” we say, “Jesus did it.” And he just takes off running. Mark Wahlberg’s only two goals in the world are to become more jacked than the Son of God and also to make people forget that he once partially blinded a Vietnamese man during a hate crime. We can help with one of those.

- - -

Have you ever seen Mark Wahlberg drink a hard smoothie of fish eyes blended with lightbulb filaments? We have, and we do not have the words to convey how hauntingly beautiful it was. We told him that it was good to puke during a workout, and he looked at us like a basketball dog. So we petted his head, and he smiled. Then he barfed a computer chip out of his mouth.

- - -

Mark Wahlberg completes a cold plunge. Then he completes a hot plunge. Then we graft a newborn baby’s foreskin onto his foreskin to enhance the strength of his penis. We hear the sobs of our colleagues in the basement as Donnie forces them to watch Blue Bloods again. We pray for what is left of their souls.

- - -

“What time is it?” Mark Wahlberg is groggy. It is 4 p.m., and he has just woken up from a ninety-second nap.

We decide to tell Mark Wahlberg that it is 1:30 a.m. and also the year is 1972 and George McGovern has just been elected president.

Mark Wahlberg’s eyes turn into exclamation points, and his hair explodes. He just starts going nuts on his punching bag, and soon the punching bag explodes, and it’s full of his pubic hair clippings, and he starts screaming like his brain is a microwave with a fork in it.

“Lol,” we say. “Whoops.”

- - -

Mark Wahlberg grunts and strains inside your phone. “Happy Sunday,” he says as the camera pans up and down his Municipal-clad body. “Stay prayed up,” he adds.

Our work is hard but worthwhile. We exchange proud looks among ourselves. No one, not even you, can tell that this is our fourteenth Mark Wahlberg.

Comedic Stuff - BlogFlock

Meditations on Hell - McSweeney’s

We Will No Longer Waste Taxpayer Money on Anything, Since Nothing Is Real - McSweeney’s

We Are the People Who Buy Red Delicious Apples - McSweeney’s

Excerpts from a Red-Hot Right-Wing Romance Novel - McSweeney’s

Star Wars Quotes That I, a Federal Employee, Would Like to Say to Elon Musk - McSweeney’s

How to Cosplay as a Parent - McSweeney’s

The Plan to Bomb the Middle East Finally Made It Out of the Group Chat - McSweeney’s

Acknowledgements - McSweeney’s

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes - McSweeney’s

ATROCITY KEY

Jump to February 2025

Jump to March 2025

JANUARY 2025

FEBRUARY 2025

My Mother-in-Law Wouldn’t Complain If She Didn’t Get Her Social Security Check Because She Would Be Dead - McSweeney’s

American History Lessons Edited to Comply with Anti-DEI Standards - McSweeney’s

The [SOUTHWESTERN AMERICAN] Code Talkers

The Enola [STRAIGHT] Drops the Atomic Bomb, “Little [CHILD],” on [COUNTRY THAT HAPPENS TO BE IN ASIA]

The [UNSPECIFIED TYPE OF PERSON]’s Suffrage Movement

Jackie Robinson Overcomes [NO SPECIFIC OBSTACLE IN PARTICULAR] in Professional Baseball

The [HAPPY] Pride Movement

The [CROSS]-Atlantic [UNPAID INTERN] Trade

Excerpts from The Believer: The Process: Judy Baca, Generation on Fire, 2023 - McSweeney’s

In which an artist discusses making a particular work

’Twas Another Damn Lockdown - McSweeney’s

RFK Jr.’s Plans for Stopping the Bird Flu - McSweeney’s

Niche Romance Novel Microtropes - McSweeney’s

No One on the Basketball Moms Text Thread Laughed When I Compared Our Winless Season to Billy Joel’s “Goodnight Saigon” - McSweeney’s

We Regret to Inform You We Will No Longer Sponsor Your Pride Parade - McSweeney’s

Senator Schumer Votes to Let the Big Wooden Horse into Troy - McSweeney’s

Despite Massive Cuts to Higher Ed, We Faculty Are Thrilled about Our New Multi-Million-Dollar Football Coach - McSweeney’s

We Are Mark Wahlberg’s Personal Trainers, and We’re Pretty Much Just Messing With Him at This Point - McSweeney’s

The Enola [STRAIGHT] Drops the Atomic Bomb, “Little [CHILD],”
on [COUNTRY THAT HAPPENS TO BE IN ASIA]

Jackie Robinson Overcomes
[NO SPECIFIC OBSTACLE IN PARTICULAR]
in Professional Baseball